11.13.09 --- Why Can't I Let Go?

Just like the song Stupid by, JC the lyrics are true word for word. I knew this girl, and i was with her for 8 months. Even after we broke up we stayed in contact when we were together it was all about me and her but once she got out into those streets I was just one of many. When we were together it seemed like the perfect realtionship but over time i realized i was stupid for ever falling in love with her in the first place. I should have known she would creep that she would front when the truth came out. Over here thinking she was the one but i knew it deep inside something was worng that something was going on. I was stupid for trusting her, for loving her, for putting my all into the realtionship. At the end of the day what i was left with was the truth behind the cheating the lying the decieving knowing there were others involved. I was foolish as I'm foolish now for sticking with her through all of it. You would think after the relationship was over she'll finally admit and speak truthfully but its not that way now. She continue to lie continues to hide everything that she's doing when all I'm trying to do is help her to her feet look after her be there for her. Maybe if I was a different type of person like the boys she messes with; the ones that just use her for the pleasure and go on about their day then maybe i wouldn't be here writing this with these memories running through my head. As Jc said, "Thought the remedy to a broken heart was you.But I realized that it was just nothing, and I never should've loved you." Its the truth, I thought it was me and her to me the only thing that mattered washer but what was really there was, "The lying, the cheating, the heartache, the pain, the strain.The worry, frustration, was all." Why do I care so much about a person who just does me wrong? Is it because I'm young? Is it because of the times when we were alone? When i felt closest to her and for her to me. i don't understand how it ended up to this, I moved on with my life but not fully. I dropped all my old friends I got my life straightened out but I still kept her around. Maybe it's because through it all she was always there with me at night to talk to me to hold me to comfort me. But just those nights can't be enough. This past and recently this present has been haunting me. Flashes from the past always running through my head when I'm with her to the verge of crying praying hoping She'll never do it to me again. I'm in too deep I realize and she's probably always going to be the way she is; I refuse that after all this time how it is now is how it's always gonig to be. It can't be like this something has to change. The most sweetest thing in my life is also my biggest pain like two conflicting interests that cancel each other other because they reside in the same body. When ever she leaves I wonder where she's going what she's going to go do. How can she tel me the names of certain people she hangs out with with no trouble at all but when it comes to those select few she can't even say where she is or the names of the people all I know is that they are males and it's then that my chest begins to hurt. It's sad it's depressing if I saw myself from an outside view I'll prolly pity myself or look at me with disgust. I know I'm so much stronger than this I've proven it so many times before with other females but not when it comes down to her. *Sad Chuckle* hmmm I think I've written enough for the night just wanted to share my thoughts with everyone so they know what I'm going through and maybe relate...