11.13.09 --- Why Can't I Let Go?

Just like the song Stupid by, JC the lyrics are true word for word. I knew this girl, and i was with her for 8 months. Even after we broke up we stayed in contact when we were together it was all about me and her but once she got out into those streets I was just one of many. When we were together it seemed like the perfect realtionship but over time i realized i was stupid for ever falling in love with her in the first place. I should have known she would creep that she would front when the truth came out. Over here thinking she was the one but i knew it deep inside something was worng that something was going on. I was stupid for trusting her, for loving her, for putting my all into the realtionship. At the end of the day what i was left with was the truth behind the cheating the lying the decieving knowing there were others involved. I was foolish as I'm foolish now for sticking with her through all of it. You would think after the relationship was over she'll finally admit and speak truthfully but its not that way now. She continue to lie continues to hide everything that she's doing when all I'm trying to do is help her to her feet look after her be there for her. Maybe if I was a different type of person like the boys she messes with; the ones that just use her for the pleasure and go on about their day then maybe i wouldn't be here writing this with these memories running through my head. As Jc said, "Thought the remedy to a broken heart was you.But I realized that it was just nothing, and I never should've loved you." Its the truth, I thought it was me and her to me the only thing that mattered washer but what was really there was, "The lying, the cheating, the heartache, the pain, the strain.The worry, frustration, was all." Why do I care so much about a person who just does me wrong? Is it because I'm young? Is it because of the times when we were alone? When i felt closest to her and for her to me. i don't understand how it ended up to this, I moved on with my life but not fully. I dropped all my old friends I got my life straightened out but I still kept her around. Maybe it's because through it all she was always there with me at night to talk to me to hold me to comfort me. But just those nights can't be enough. This past and recently this present has been haunting me. Flashes from the past always running through my head when I'm with her to the verge of crying praying hoping She'll never do it to me again. I'm in too deep I realize and she's probably always going to be the way she is; I refuse that after all this time how it is now is how it's always gonig to be. It can't be like this something has to change. The most sweetest thing in my life is also my biggest pain like two conflicting interests that cancel each other other because they reside in the same body. When ever she leaves I wonder where she's going what she's going to go do. How can she tel me the names of certain people she hangs out with with no trouble at all but when it comes to those select few she can't even say where she is or the names of the people all I know is that they are males and it's then that my chest begins to hurt. It's sad it's depressing if I saw myself from an outside view I'll prolly pity myself or look at me with disgust. I know I'm so much stronger than this I've proven it so many times before with other females but not when it comes down to her. *Sad Chuckle* hmmm I think I've written enough for the night just wanted to share my thoughts with everyone so they know what I'm going through and maybe relate...

Sexual Intentions...

Females.... ladies... growing young woman... if only you knew... the crazy things I have planned for you- can start with a little phone sex or maybe just straight to some foreplay. Look you in your eyes and tell you how I feel, tell you you're beautiful and I'm going to take you higher. Tender kisses on your lips tongue gliding to your neck. Suck but not too hard enough to let you know that I'm going to take care of you mamii. You never been with a young man like me, experienced, whose only intention is to please you. Lay your body down and help you relax as I plant kisses across your midsection, going down ever so further to a land of sweet desire. Take your panties down and let me see you soak and wet, pussy glistening throbbing for sexual practices. Tongue slowly licks that pink tip and I feel your body start to move uncontrollable spasms and jerks as your back arches up and I grab onto your thighs no baby you aint going no where but right here as I speed it up. Moans, gasps your hands grab for my shoulders and my head moving it around in circles while saying my name softly. Music playing in the background as I lick to the beat some slow licks up and down tongue rollin in circles lookin for that spot, some beats fast as my tongue picks up the pace and an overwhelming feeling of pleasure takes control of your mind. Face it you're sexually excited now and you want me and no one else at this moment but me. No one can do these things to you the way I can. Pussy dripping now and I taste you- something sweet some like peaches sum like strawberries- you feel this feeling coming from your stomach that moves down to the clit and you let out a sharp noise as the orgasm washes over you. That feeling- that feeling of being so high heaven like your mind is clear. Now I move back up sucking on them cute nipples sucking nibbling licking whatchu want me to do girl? you look me in my eyes and I caress ya cheek- you feel something penetrate at first a sweet pain then just sexual pleasure as I slowly stroke that pussy winding at the waist as if I'm dancing as you say oh my... you look down and you see me going in and out. The song changes to a faster beat and I go a lil harder and deeper- you feel it now that feeling in your gut you grab me wrap your arms around me head to my ear and you call me papi and I say te quiero mamii.. move your legs to the side one in the air callin for deeper penetration I kno you feel it you cant believe this is happening right now its just me and you right now at this moment me teasing me pleasing you makin you feel so unreal it must be a dream. roll over to your stomach its time for them back shots how you like it mamii slow strokes or have you screaming in the pillow whatever you like mamii I'll do it. 3 hours since we first entered this room gonna be a couple more before we're finished. One round two rounds three rounds four tell me girl how long can you last - its 3 in the morning bout to turn 12 in the afternoon it alright girl get your rest now and dream....

11.10.09 --- Emotions, Love, Commitment...

Love... is it just a word? A word so complex that maybe 10 years isn't enough to describe what it is. What the difference is between love and false emotion. Love added to relationships- it's more difficult then you think. When you're young love is tossed around more than the phase "I Like You". Just because in that moment in that second that period of time everything seems perfect and you and your significant other experience happiness doesn't really mean you "love" each other. Love takes time as do all things: friendships, job opportunities, building trust,etc. If love was so simple to acquire then why are heart breaks more common then love is? The deciet behind lies, the other side of the mirror, only showing you what you want to see. Inexperience, own personal ambitions, mentalities disrupt the image of love and balance between two beings.

For instance: a girl hasn't been socially involved with others, relationship wise, sexually, not even being around other people. Ok then after awhile this boy comes around sees her and decides to talk to her; they get to know each other and after awhile the girl starts to feel this intense growing emotion towards the boy. All she knows is her and the boy you see, she doesn't know what the boy is really about she don't know the boy outside the two of them being together. This reflection she sees- this balance that helps her see as people being kind and loving and caring could really be a lie. The boy is different then she, he is involved in socal outtings with friends; he has a past with relationships, past sexual partners and could even be still involved with these exs'. The truth behind this image of two people being together is held together by lies, cheating, a chaos she does not see. This happens all to often in this new generation of youth. Boy meets girl- boy like girl- boy falls for girl- boy finds out girl is lying- boy is devastaded- boy ends up having trust issues.

Emotions can sometimes be bad but that doesn't mean that you will never find something true. Through trial and error, falling down and getting back up again even I a hopeless romantic have found strong reasons to believe there is someone out there for me. There are many obstucles in front of me and that person for example: age difference, maturity, mentality, morals, etc. But I keep pressing on standing tall against the rain against the lonely nights against the guilt against the disappointments. Don't think you are a fool for trusting someone, you live and learn, there are going to be disappointments, there are going to be hardships but you must overcome or else it'll consume you. Experience has taught me a lot in my 19 years of living and I still have a lot to continue learning. Many more ups and downs are on the horizon- it's all about how you are able to cope how you are able to deal with the situation the cards you are dealt that will determine the outcome.